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Sunday, May 12, 2013

Sitzpinklers and Backpfeifengesichts (no, that's not English)




     It's about 16 foreign words that we don't have words for in English. They're pretty funny (for example, Pisan Zapra – The time needed to eat a banana.), so I decided to write a story, incorporating each of these words (in order, nonetheless). Here is that story with each word and its definition provided below as a sort of legend:

     Once upon a time, there lived a man named Marteen. Having acquired aquaphobia at a young age, Marteen was a sitzpinkler.

     Marteen sat at his work cubicle in a state of misery. He had already sent 37 e-mails that morning and it was only 8:45 AM. The monotony of everyday life had gotten to Marteen. His tocka overwhelmed him and he worried he wouldn't make it through the day. The only hope of relief he had was knowing that at the end of the day, he would visit his favorite tanning salon. Being a slampadato, Marteen’s 8 visits a week made him more than a regular. Susie, the friendly receptionist greeted him with a wide grin every visit despite suspecting something mentally wrong with the man.

     At 5 o’clock, Marteen packed his hands-free waist satchel (he didn't like to call it a fanny pack) and left for Tan-tacular. Along the way, a homeless man called to him from the sidewalk and said, “Hey! Sirrrr. You got some whiskey?” The hobo rubbed his upper lip to relieve his sgriob while Marteen walked away as quickly as he could. He continued on to the tanning salon, but to his great sadness, found it to be closed. Disappointed, Marteen walked home.

     Late that night, as Marteen lay awake in bed, his mind raced with all the disappointments in his life. There was the time he thought he saw the gumusservi, but it was really just the police helicopter’s spotlight, coming to arrest his grandmother for arson. There was the time he was a contestant on a game show in which he had a pisan zapra to grab as much money from a cash whirlwind but got too scared and huddled in a ball. There was also the time he bought a baby iguana from the pet store but it was so gigil, he literally pinched it to death. Life had been rough on Marteen and it wasn't getting any easier.

     The next day, while procrastinating on some data entry in his cubicle, Marteen’s co-worker Arthur walked by and noticed his eyes looking a bit glazed over. “Marteen, are you high?” asked Arthur. Marteen stammered, “What? Oh. No. I was just…” “You were all boketto on that window over there,” interrupted Arthur. “Yeah. Sorry. Just been kinda out of it recently.” “That’s ok, man. I noticed you've been a little off since Kerman died,” said Arthur solemnly. “Oh… yeah. I suppose,” Marteen agreed for hope that the conversation would end. “Alright buddy. I’ll see you at the funeral. Chin up! I don’t mean to be a pesameneiro, but there should be some great Shitta to grub on.” “Yeah. Hopefully I won’t kummerspeck. I gotta watch my figure,” Marteen jested. Arthur laughed and walked away from his pensive co-worker. Marteen spent the rest of the afternoon continuing to think about nothing.

     Marteen arrived at the church and entered the sanctuary slowly. He hadn't been in a church since his grandmother had passed away (while she was in prison on her arson charge) and wasn't excited about being there. As he sat down, he noticed the woman sitting right in front of him. She had a stylish hairdo and seemed to be wearing a nice dress, at least by what he could see of it that wasn't covered by the church pew. He hadn't been on a date since Nickelback was cool. He concocted a plan and “accidentally” dropped his pen on her pew so that she would talk to him. She picked up the pen, turned around and said, “Is this yours?” “Yeah. Thanks,” Marteen said shortly. She was bakku-shan and he was a stickler for only the most beautiful girls (only one of many reasons for his Nickelback-length dating drought).

     The funeral service began with a 15-minute prayer by the priest, whom Marteen discovered was a backpfeifengesicht. The latter hoped that the clergyman would stop his prayer during several lulls, but the man trudged on through the sighs of his audience. Marteen decided that the priest had definitely been a manque; he probably should have been a televangelist. After the prayer and seven testimonials of the greatness that was the life of Kerman, something happened that shocked the entire congregation. Kerman’s casket door burst open with a loud vybafnout. An old lady in the front row fainted.

     Kerman ran out of the church doors and out into the street. Thinking this event odd, Marteen decided to follow the potential zombie to see what happened. He could Kerman in an alleyway, hiding. He had his hand on a long, metallic object that hanged from his belt. Marteen saw a woman walking towards the alley’s corner and feared that she was about to be tsujigiri’d. She sauntered closer to the hidden Kerman who heard her coming and braced himself for the pouncing strike. Marteen started running towards her and began to shout, “Watch ou….” But it was too late. Kerman had jumped from the corner with an inaudible vybafnout this time. Marteen watched as he sliced his hands and the metallic object through the air. Kerman’s hands stopped with the object inches away from the woman’s face. He shouted, “Here’s your nine iron, young, Asian, golfing superstar Michelle Wie.” The formerly “dead” and now crazy, golf club-wielding man ran away, never to be seen by Marteen again.

Legend:
Sitzpinkler – A man who pees sitting down.
Tocka – Great spiritual anguish, a longing with nothing to long for.
Slampadato – Being addicted to the infrared glow of tanning salons.
Sgriob – The itchiness that overcomes the upper lip just before taking a sip of whiskey.
Gumusservi – Moonlight shining on water.
Pisan Zapra – The time needed to eat a banana.
Gigil – When something is so cute you have to pinch it.
Boketto – Gazing vacantly into the distance without thinking.
Pesamenteiro – One who shows up to a funeral for the food.
Shitta – Leftover dinner eaten for breakfast.
Kummerspeck – Weight gaining from emotional eating.
Bakku-shan – Seeing a woman who appears pretty from behind but not from the front.
Backpfeifengesicht – A face badly in need of a fist.
Manque – Having failed to become what one might have been.
Vybafnout – To jump out and say boo.
Tsujigiri – To test a new sword casually on a passerby.

- Isaac M. Comelli (5/12/13)

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